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Feb. 16th, 2012

Be Back

It has been quite a long time since my last entry.Well, many things have happened, but I ,this time, chose to let them past without any recording. It does not mean that I wanna delete this period of memory from my life page, instead, it is I who found it too hard to put them down on words. Everytime I experience all these through my mind, I got really surprised. I'm surprised that so much changes have undertaken upon me, who used to resist any change. I'd keep being ME, I always said. But those changes did come , which were beyond my interference, and I didn't even expect these things would finally make a change in me.

My mum once got very sick more a year ago. She suddenly just fainted over at home when I was with her.The other family had gone out. I saw her fainted there, unconscious, face growing pale and lip purple. This first thing that stroke me was that I was going to lose her, for good. Nope, I NEVER EVER would let that happen. I shouted at her, checked her pulse, and calling for help at the meantime.The faint, luckily, just lasted for less than 2 mins or so, but as for me, it felt like a life time. When my mum was awoke, she , feebly, staring at me, from her trembling lip, she said, what happened, why you shouting? I said you just passed out...

After sending my mum to hospital and had her checked, my nerve seemed rested down, and I stood in the corner of the passage, started crying hard. It was strange that I couldn't stop crying even though I told myself everything was okay now. My tears flooded across my cheeks, kept reminding me of how close I nearly lost the one I love and treasure most in this world.

All of a sudden, I realized the responsibility that had already rested on my shoulder yet I was fooling myself to ignore it. I'm no good cos I hate all responsibilities that are beared on me, I thought I could ignore them... but no... If I did that, the price would be....

After this thing, a big change has took place in my mind. I become more quite, more prudent, less risky. Friends all say that I'm growing less fierce and more easy-going. I don't know, suddenly, something melt my heart, telling me how much valuable things I still have. Yep, it teaches me how to be grateful.I should have be grateful for what I have. And I also realize that I actually don't need much to lead a GOOD life. What I mean GOOD here is that live peacefully. Even though I lose all my status and prizes, as long as I still have my family, that's enough.

My mum, an ordinary woman, always tells me that" I don' expect you to be excel, as long as you lead a happy life in your concern, it's also good enough for me." I think, compared to other parents who always push their kids to fight and win in the circle of society, she knows much more than they--at least she knows what makes a real life, a good life.

May. 24th, 2011

Untitled

Sea and wave, alone or together, make it sadder and make it sigh;
Birds come and from, seeds dropped, branches and leaves, the world is so kind;
Books of no words, my heart is blind;
Try to make it , above the sky, and lower than life;
One aims to die, bearing no lies;
Better to fly. Is it okay to fly?

I want my garden, with little rabbit and black and white cat;
Teapot on the table, afternoon tea in the sunset ;
The shepherd is singing, sweet but blue, and wet;
My tears flow, a river runs, like my little pet.

You make your oath, but break it;
I’m waiting, and take it;
Still dreaming, but hide it;
Keep laughing, and be it.

May. 19th, 2011

I fall in love too easily

Even before I realize that I has fallen in love , opp, I did it again. But the worst of it is that he doesn't even know who I am. Every time I fall in love, the ones involved all happen to be some kind of strangers or someone I met by accident. I didn't know any of these boys before, however, I just fall in love, too soon to realize that, too fast to even capture the changes in my heart.
This time, the "he" is a jazz dancer who teaches in a gym I go to. At first, I kinda hate him cos he looked sissy, too sexy for a boy. It's strange that the more I hate him, the more I can't stop talking about how I hate him. The end is , I can't stop talking about him. I found myself ,all of a sudden, start to miss him somehow. Then I know it happens again, old story. Every time I hate a boy, I end up falling in love with him. I know myself too well, which is a mask to obscure my true feelings. I'm one of those who hardly reveal my thoughts, even to myself. So in order to hide it from everybody_including myself, I lied to my heart that I SHOULD hate him. I hate him, yes, I do, I can't and won't love this guy. When things are getting worse, I find it so hard to stop missing him. Circle again....
His name is Niki, and he's really slim, sexy, too. I love the way he dances and moves his own body to the rhythm of song. He's a real fan of Britney, and for him, I, for the very first time, listen to Britney's songs again and again all night long. I don't even dare to tell anyone I listen to Britney, and my friends will never believe that. They'd be dead to admit I would actually listen to Brit. But... okay... for him, I did. When I'm listening to those songs, I imagine he's listening as well. So, in some part, to some extent, we are connected.
I'm such a stupid and silly person... I don't have the brave to speak up my love, so I just hide it up, looking for some self-fancied satisfaction in my own corner. After a long long struggles, I 'm back to peace, forcing myself to forget him, and to rip his voice, smile, words from my memory. Then, I unloaded myself, and set off again.
Maybe that's why I can never find a true lover.
I'm too scared to talk about love, and I'm too scared to let others into my world, understanding my mind. The thing is, even tho I love you crazily, I will never let you know. Hiding up is great and suitable for me , cos I have no worry to be turned down or refused. I just, simply love him. This feeling of love only belongs to me, and it can only die in my heart of grave. Even he is not allowed to know that.
The same happens not only to love, but also to hate and hurts. I hide my scars away, I hide anything that is threatened to reveal who I am. I wear too many masks that I grow serious addicted to them. Without these masks, I would die cos my nightmare, as always, is being naked, unarmed.
I'm out of security, and I don't even believe myself cos I'm still a human being, whom cannot be trusted. It's a twisted theory.
I'm a creep, and I need some love. For the first time, I finally say it out loud...(juz becos there's no one knows me here)

Mar. 25th, 2011

Something about me Recently

I've been trying to hand my hands on some new pieces recently, but fail instantly cos I just can't figure out any melody or words to fit into. Meanwhile, since the examination is coming, I, once again, have to throw myself in the library from morning to night. The weather is still kinda chilly, but I find it no difficulty to get up early , 7:30 in the morning, and go downstairs to have my breakfast. My list is always steaming bum, steaming sweet potato, milk or cereal. These are healthy food which provide me with satisfaction and energy to start a day. I walk to library most of the time, which takes me about 20 mins. When I get there, I have to spend no less than half an hour searching for books. I can't borrow books now cos my borrowing card has been banned due to my delay in returning books on time, and the librarian seemed a bit annoyed at this.
It's enjoyable to "residue" in library all day long and do some reading, although some of them are rather boring actually. I re-read poems of Ginsberg , which really turns me on, Howl is definitely a masterpiece. Also, I read books like History of Literature of China in 20th Century, Process and Psychological transformation of Civilization, novels on J.D Salinger, Reviews on Greek theater, something like that.
When I get tired , I just pack my stuffs and go back to dorm, where I can play my guitar , write some songs if lucky enough. Okay, here I post my new work, it's a pity that I cant record my singing and load it up here cos I have no instruments in hand .
The song is named "She", a story of "I" meeting a heart-broken girl at bar.

She
She stood by the window
Looking like a skinny model
So fragile like wind in willow
Will she cry at night on her pillow

Her half-dried tears ruining her make-up
Indicating a last-night break up
Maybe she really needed a hug
Instead of a glass of coconut

She came over and said "Hey, you know what,
I met the worst jerk in the world
Why life is so cruel and hurt
I just wanna dump it in the dirt"

(Chorus)

Some sad, some gone
There's no reason why pain is long
Don't tell me to be strong
You don't even know what is wrong

Some fade, some born
There's no reason why pain is long
Don't tell me to sing a song
You don't even know what is wrong


I met her at a shabby bar
Where you can't use your credit card
She held her glass and crying hard
When the music came to start

She didn't go on her story
Saying that she didn't wanna be sorry
Dancing with me could drive out lonely
She'd fall in love with me maybe

Then we just went to dance
But we didn't make love in the end
Cos she went away with the band
Which was playing on the stage

(Chorus)

Some sad, some gone
There's no reason why pain is long
Don't tell me to be strong
You don't even know what is wrong

Some fade, some born
There's no reason why pain is long
Don't tell me to sing a song
You don't even know what is wrong

(Repeat)

Mar. 18th, 2011

Nude Model

You look like a nude model
Skinny and Fragile , bones on your back
Smile weakly and window gaze
Outside the traffic is jammed
Cars hustling by, confused am I

Something in you is about a sad story
You keep on smoking and blowing circle
Party on last night, left-over make-up on your eyes
Devil speaks in the dark
You try to be the one who are trapped

Maybe you and I
We have to be nude models of life
Acting and smiling and pretending
For those who come to watch
Any entertainment is needed
We have to make them laugh

Still remember raining on our street
We had a sweet time and you were innocent
Naive were we, we thought things lasted for good
Just like that
Be like that

( About Meeting a friend)

Mar. 16th, 2011

Dear It's the Police

Dear, kiss me clean and quick
Inside the bushes and out in the street
I saw your blooding fleding from the hole
Hold things tight
Cos over there, it's the gentle police

They are after me and you
In my head and in my dream
They got guns, big one, pointing to
Your smiling face
Oh, what a sunny day when
Rays and shines melting in your bones

Dear, just kiss me and quick
They are watching and ready
To take our cigarattes away
I wanted give them some blackberries but
They wouldn't eat cos
What they need is blood

Once you told me a story of vampire
Wearing the uniform and guns
Now I did see them wondering around
Like ghosts and beasts
With teeth and paws and knives
Thou not afraid

Oh, I afraid no more
I said I need only a bicycle
To escape the doctor
He want me to lie on the operation bed
For the rest of my life
Must I escape !

I need you, dear
Before they arrive
Kiss me all over
Kill me with your hands
Suck my blood
Tear my heavy body up cos I'm sick of it

Let me be you
Let me live inside you
Dear, it's the police
It's the Police

Mar. 13th, 2011

Sleeping Pills

Hey, I need some sleeping pills
The world is much too loud
Everybody talks and shouts
They said to me
"Keep fighting or you get killed"
"Stop trusting or you get hurt‘

Hey I need some sleeping pills
The doctor with white coat
Can't see his face
Only a flashing glasses without eyeballs
Please, give me some I need rest
He care nothing, going on pumping blood
From the beating heart on desk

Hey I need some sleeping pills
The monster is waiting at my door
Be it a dream or not
Sleeping pills take me away
Like the little wooden boat on lake
Can anybody help?

I need those pills
To take me back home
Been leaving for so long
Too long to remember what I'm like
It's cold here, as well as those people
I want hug, but no
I may as well take some pills

I keep walking , keep my head down
I don't want to see a face
I want to sit somewhere in the public park
But too many lovers there making love
So noisy that I can't concentrate
Too scared to disturb , feeling like a total stranger

Where's the end ?
Where's my life?
If all means an end, why
Ending is so painful?

Feb. 6th, 2011

Spring Festival

It is still clear that I got extremely excited with the approaching of spring festival. Being the most important festival in China, its coming announces the arrival of spring, which is the season for growing and new birth. Usually, its a time when all family gets together and have big meals, something like xmas in the western. So we kids would get excited during the festivals cos we could eat what we want, go out and play hard without getting scout, of course, these joyful parts also include receiving lucky money in the red paper pockets from the elders. Despite handing out most of money to our parents, we kids still could manage a small part of it for what we long for. Usually, I'd visit bookstores and CD stores for my favorite books and CDs.

Nowadays, everything's changed, including me. As aging, I get excited no more at the spring festival. I don't know why, I mean, we still get together, we still have big meals(even bigger), we still receive lucky money from grandparents, but there's no more joys. Maybe I've got used to it, but people won't get used to things that are happy, right. Or maybe I'd grown up, but why getting older would rob people of happiness? Or maybe I 've lost the ability of hope and expect, i.e I've stopped expecting anything. I accept things as they come, whatever good or bad. Good is equal to bad. I stop picturing my future days, I just live them through as if I'm drinking a glass of pale water, no more than that. My heart is at peace, it becomes cold and calm. Like an experienced magician, I feel like I've seen all the secrets behind every show and play, nothing new, nothing changes. Naturally, I throw away the habit of expectation. All I need to do is accept things when they come. I don't know weather it's a good thing or not. Adults say it'g good, I'm being mature, I've learn to face my life with a common emotion. Some say its bad, cos I've lost the primitive curiosity that drives people to advancement.

One more thing, I find that the get-together moment, the family time is not all about happy. Family is something one have to live with, despite the mistakes, hurts, misunderstandings and complaints. Forgiveness is the only thing I could do. Sometimes, I even hate them, I hate some of them cos they hate or look down upon my parents, but what else can I do... I feel so pale and weak at these moments.... Why don't they just stop gossiping and shut up.... I don't want to hate you, but you make me.... You are my family, why can't you give us the mere mercy and tolerance. I hate them, but my mum told me not to... So I hold back........

Jan. 3rd, 2011

Without Me You'd Be Better

You said you hate that I cried a lot on the phone while talking with you. Sorry, I didn't mean to make you worried. I'm just scared , fearing that I may lose you, you know I can't take it, can't even bear the thought of it. I know I'm no good, I make you cry and worried and sleepless, but how I wish I can take them all myself, trying to lock up all my pains and sufferings. If something makes you happy, I'd do it, I promise.

It's been hard for me all these days, for those nightmares coming back again. I begin to afraid of falling asleep at night, cos it means I have to experience those horrible things over and over again. It's like a long and endless pain that tortures my nerve. Countless times, I found myself waken from horrors, crying, shouting for your name. That scares my roomates, who though I went insane. Sorry, again, I didn't mean to do it. Sorry is a pale, useless word, I know, but except saying this stupid sorry, I don't know what I can say or make up, maybe there's something I can do, that is, more crying.

I'm such a coward , I admit, but so what?! I can't change who I am. Once I lose myself, I go crazy, I hurt people, I confess and hurt them again. Forever and ever, I am trapped in this vicious circle which I doom to be prisoned. I'm the prison of my flesh body, my life, the world, and worse of all, my past. Past , this monster and ghost, can always catch up with me no matter how fast I run. They catch me, forcing me to look back, back to those days when I lock myself up, without eating. Only hate and revenge keeps me alive. All my life was about revenge, then this is the confession.

I know God cannot save me. I'm so dirty and filth that I can't be saved. Confession only makes me a little bit comfort, but back in dreams, I become messed up again.

Mum, you know what I have been through in those dreams?? I saw you were... I hug you and held you tightly, emotionlessly, waiting in desperate. In the dream, I saw I was losing you, whereas I could do nothing about it. I felt so in vain , so in ruin, so lost, that's why I couldn't hold my tears while talking to you. Sorry, I broke your rule for not crying...

You know, without me, you'd be better;
No more crying
No more worries
No more endless search for me at night
No more sleepless night

I'm a monster you have to love
I hurt when I'm lost
I confess but I did that again
So, without me, you'd be better....

Oct. 16th, 2010

George the Happy & Lisa the Sad

George is happy and Lisa is sad

They've been arguing when they met

George is happy about every leaf bursting out of trees

Lisa is sad about every dead bird in the winter

George walks in the sunshine , holding up his head

Lisa sings every love songs, never goes to bed

George makes himself a warm rosy net

Lisa disguise herself as a corner lonely cat

......

One day

George lose happiness cos Lisa is dead

Lisa can't be happy again cos she 's dead

......

There are many Georges and Lisas in my head

They quarrel every day like they are mad

I'm driven mad

......

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